Mighty kind of you all to visit.
Today I wish to speak on the single greatest threat to America today.
The stripy menace that has families across our great nation terrified. As they cower behind locked doors these critturs rampage through gardens and yards causing billions of dollars worth of damage every night.
Sometimes even during the day, recent top secret studies indicate that these nasty nocturnal nincompoops are increasingly visible during daylight hours.
Most decent Americans busy working and studying hard initially dismissed such reports as nonsense and another example of the lamestream media attempting to distract the public from real debate on pressing political and societal matters.
Homeland security has not commented on this growing problem but several officials from the Dept of Ag on condition of anonymity have admitted that they are following this story closely.
I can only say I told you so and urge you all to join the #RaccoonsOutNow movement on Twitter.
We must act now before its too late.