Fort Guff Daily / Raccoon raiders / Breaking News

Police sources state that they are still on the lookout for a band of rascally Raccoon’s who abducted the Sheriff and raided a Cracker Barrel yesterday.

“The Sheriff is recovering slowly and as yet is unable to communicate or assist us in any way with our enquiries” said the unnamed source “However we are working closely with all law enforcement agencies and are following up on several reported sightings from New York to LA.” When questioned further the source revealed that “we are dealing with a well organized nationwide gang of hardened criminals who have been involved in the wholesale and distribution of pine cones, twigs and 100% pure trash across America.”

When pressed on the subject of Homeland Security our source could neither confirm nor deny that this gang has been linked to the recent security clampdowns at the FortGuff bus station and Library.

Local legend, celebrated Raccoon hunter, founder and president of the Raccoons out movement Gustaf Guff or Granpa as almost everybody calls him, is threatening to organize a posse as soon as his back gets better according to his last communication late yesterday evening.

Residents of several counties across the great state of Guffsylvania are advised to stay indoors after sundown and under no circumstances should they venture out except in cases of grave emergency.


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